jokes.json

{
   "jokes":[
      {
         "author":"Tim Vine",
         "text":"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well it was just collecting dust."
      },
      {
         "author":"Masai Graham",
         "text":"I've written a joke about a fat badger but I couldn't fit it into my set."
      },
      {
         "author":"Mark Watson",
         "text":"Always leave them wanting more my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief."
      },
      {
         "author":"Bec Hill",
         "text":"I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number ones and number twos."
      },
      {
         "author":"Ria Lina",
         "text":"I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me."
      },
      {
         "author":"Paul F Taylor",
         "text":"Money can't buy you happiness? Well check this out I bought myself a Happy Meal."
      },
      {
         "author":"Scott Capurro",
         "text":"Scotland had oil but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying."
      },
      {
         "author":"Jason Cook",
         "text":"I've been married for 10 years I haven't made a decision for seven."
      },
      {
         "author":"Felicity Ward",
         "text":"This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it."
      },
      {
         "author":"Masai Graham",
         "text":"I've written a joke about a fat badger but I couldn't fit it into my set."
      },
      {
         "author":"Rob Auton",
         "text":"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
      },
      {
         "author":"Alex Horne",
         "text":"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
      },
      {
         "author":"Alfie Moore",
         "text":"I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
      },
      {
         "author":"Tim Vine",
         "text":"My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
      },
      {
         "author":"Gary Delaney",
         "text":"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
      },
      {
         "author":"Phil Wang",
         "text":"The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies just keeps being replaced by white men."
      },
      {
         "author":"Marcus Brigstocke",
         "text":"You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
      },
      {
         "author":"Liam Williams",
         "text":"The universe implodes. No matter."
      },
      {
         "author":"Bobby Mair",
         "text":"I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
      },
      {
         "author":"Chris Coltrane",
         "text":"The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
      },
      {
         "author":"Stewart Francis",
         "text":"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
      },
      {
         "author":"Tim Vince",
         "text":"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
      },
      {
         "author":"Will Marsh",
         "text":"I was raised as an only child which really annoyed my sister."
      },
      {
         "author":"Rob Beckett",
         "text":"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
      },
      {
         "author":"Chris Turner",
         "text":"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know Y."
      },
      {
         "author":"Tim Vine",
         "text":"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
      },
      {
         "author":"George Ryegold",
         "text":"Pornography is often frowned upon but that's only because I'm concentrating."
      },
      {
         "author":"Stewart Francis",
         "text":"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
      },
      {
         "author":"Lou Sanders",
         "text":"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
      },
      {
         "author":"Nish Kumar",
         "text":"My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism... she wouldn't fancy her chances."
      },
      {
         "author":"Nick Helm",
         "text":"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
      },
      {
         "author":"Tim Vine",
         "text":"Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."
      },
      {
         "author":"Hannibal Buress",
         "text":"People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
      },
      {
         "author":"Tim Key",
         "text":"Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
      },
      {
         "author":"Matt Kirshen",
         "text":"I was playing chess with my friend and he said 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."
      },
      {
         "author":"Sarah Millican",
         "text":"My mother told me you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli which felt like double standards."
      },
      {
         "author":"Alan Sharp",
         "text":"I was in a band which we called The Prevention because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."
      },
      {
         "author":"Mark Watson",
         "text":"Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again wife."
      },
      {
         "author":"Andrew Lawrence",
         "text":"I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."
      },
      {
         "author":"DeAnne Smith",
         "text":"My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."
      },
      {
         "author":"Tim Vine",
         "text":"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what never again."
      },
      {
         "author":"David Gibson",
         "text":"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds one stone."
      },
      {
         "author":"Emo Philips",
         "text":"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
      },
      {
         "author":"Jack Whitehall",
         "text":"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought' I actually stole it off a short fat ginger kid."
      },
      {
         "author":"Gary Delaney",
         "text":"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
      },
      {
         "author":"John Bishop",
         "text":"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
      },
      {
         "author":"Bo Burnham",
         "text":"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
      },
      {
         "author":"Gary Delaney",
         "text":"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well it's what he would have wanted."
      },
      {
         "author":"Robert White",
         "text":"For Vanessa Feltz life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
      },
      {
         "author":"Gareth Richards",
         "text":"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or if you can't be bothered with that just write a number on one and walk into a pub..."
      },
      {
         "author":"Dan Antopolski",
         "text":"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
      },
      {
         "author":"Paddy Lennox",
         "text":"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
      },
      {
         "author":"Sarah Millican",
         "text":"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
      },
      {
         "author":"Zoe Lyons",
         "text":"I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
      },
      {
         "author":"Jack Whitehal",
         "text":"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead just very condescending."
      },
      {
         "author":"Adam Hills",
         "text":"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it but it's going to be rough."
      },
      {
         "author":"Marcus Brigstocke",
         "text":"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one you didn't invent it!"
      },
      {
         "author":"Rhod Gilbert",
         "text":"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
      },
      {
         "author":"Dan Antopolski",
         "text":"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well I've seen it six times and there isn't."
      },
      {
         "author":"Simon Brodkin",
         "text":"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them"
      }
   ]
}