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5-love-languages.md

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5-love-languages.md

Summary: This is a nice book that gives a good framework to think about how you can focus your efforts into the relationship efficiently so that the other person feels loved. You need to learn to speak your partners love language. If it doesn't come naturally to you, just do it often until it becomes. This is how you can build long lasting easy living relationships.

Chapter 1:

  • You need to find your partner's love language, learn about it and follow it to have a successful marraige.
  • Exercise:
    • There would be fewer divorces if only people are kinder / take away the notion of happily ever after.

Chapter 2:

  • Love is a fundamental need. People (especially children) have this deep emotional need.

Chapter 3:

  • "in love" experience is not going to last. generally, two years. The little traits we overlooked become huge problems.
  • Little by little, the illusion of intimacy evaporates, and the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behavior patterns exert themselves.
  • Best option, give up the ideal of "in love", and pursue "real love".

Chapter 4: Words of affirmation

  • Words of affirmation.
    • "I really appretiate you doing X, I know there are many spouses who don't do this"
    • "You look very sharp and pretty today".
  • Encouraging words on anything they are insecure about.
    • Learn about the other person interests. Show that you care. Show that you're here in support her in any way. Believe in their abilities.
    • "You have a natural talent for this, I can see it clearly. If you put more effort into this, I'm sure you'll be successful."
    • "If you decide to do that, I can tell you one thing. You will be a success. That’s one of the things I like about you. When you set your mind to something, you do it. If that’s what you want to do, I will certainly do everything I can to help you. And don’t worry about the cost of the program. If it’s what you want to do, we’ll find the money."
  • Kind words.
    • Always respond to anger with a soft voice.
    • Don't keep scores of wrongs. Don't bring up past failures.
    • Agree to your failures in the past and ask for forgiveness.
    • "I love you. I care about you, and I choose to forgive you. Even though my feelings of hurt may linger, I will not allow what has happened to come between us. I hope that we can learn from this experience. You are not a failure because you have failed. You are my spouse, and together we will go on from here"
  • Indirect affirmation.
    • Tell other people nice things about your spouse. Eventually, someone will tell her. Example: tell your spouse's mother how nice she is.
    • Compliment in front of their parents or friends.
    • Tell children who great their mother is behind their back.

Chapter 5: Quality time

  • Just talking without distractions (TV / phone). Giving them full undivided attention.
  • Doing something that she likes with her. (eg. picnic, vacation, walks, etc.)
  • Have sympathetic dialogoue: Tell them about your thoughts, feelings, insecurities, plans, etc., Listen to theirs without making suggestions. Only give advice when they request it.
  • Tips:
    • Maintain eye contact.
    • Don't multitask.
    • Listen for feelings. And label them.
    • Observe body language. If conflicting, ask questions.
    • Never interrupt.
  • Routine suggestion: talk about three things that happened to each person during the day and how they feel about it.

Chapter 6: Receiving gifts

  • Gift giving is fundamental to love.
  • When they make requests, oblige.

Chapter 7: Acts of service

  • Taking more responsibility on chores.
  • Our actions before and after marriage drastically change. Our actions are influenced by the models of our parents.

Chapter 8: Physical touch

  • You also need to learn to speak the right dialect.
  • Hug during crisis.

General marraige advice:

  • Be clean. Take responsibility. Do something when you tell her you'll do it. Don't expect the same from her.
  • Give genuine verbal compliments, even for the smallest of things.
  • Learn about the other person's desires.
  • Always respond to anger in a soft voice.
    • "It sounds like this action is extremely important to you. Can you explain why?"
    • "Hey, when you talk in that tone, I feel hurt. Even though I know it's not true, the story I tell myself is that she wants to hurt me more than getting the work done. I know you're hurt with my actions too, and I commit to being a better person from tomorrow."