already-free.md

already-free.md

Western view - better externals -> more freedom. problem: putting our freedom on things we don't have complete control over. Buddist view - be completely committed irrespective of externals.

• Developmental view:

  • We see issues and reactions as a results of what happened to us as kids. The problem with this view is that people try to rework and make peace with their past.
  • As kids, we learn values towards specific actions. We learn values for behaviours that our parents encourage. The problem is that each time we have to do a different behavior, we panic (eg. being independent vs dependent, giving your opinion vs not, trustful vs skeptical, etc.)
  • People unconsciously seek suffering to validate their worldview. They seek violent partners, so that they can validate that spouses are like that. This neurosis is a way around facing the truth of life. (neurotic avoidance strategy)
  • We want to make excuses such as "even if I work hard, I won't be successful" as a way around working hard.
  • Author's view: neurosis is not just bad habits from the past, we decide to reinforce it everyday. pinpointing "what function" are we unconsciously trying to serve with out neurosis can help us work around it.
  • Practices that have the most impact for our life are always counter instinctual. We don't want to do them.
    • In my case, I tell you that I want to make YouTube videos and become big in that space. So why am I not making videos that I'm proud of? I'm finding excuses and way around it.
  • Abondandment issues during childhood lead to people learning ways to get other's attention. The way around is it learn that it's okay to feel adondaned, it's not going to kill you. Trying to change the other person is an inefficient strategy.
  • What are the feeling you're trying to avoid? Going directly into them can be vastly educational and making you realize that there's nothing really that you need to be afraid of.
  • We learn behaviour patterns (avoidance) to avoid feeling specific types of feelings, but feel them anyway. Solution: meet those feeling head on and learn that they're not harmful.
  • You're not being "made to feel" abandoned. You are generating that feeling yourself to justify specific behaviour patterns.
  • Treat all of these feelings with love.

• The fruitional view:

  • You're already free in the present moment.
  • Be aware of experience without judgement.
  • Improving the story you tell yourself is not enough, it needs to be placed in the context of awareness.
  • Going to a movie vs movie playing in a open field on a small screen. Treat all your anxieties and fears like the movie on the open field. Be aware but don't relate to experience.
  • The constant stories we're telling ourselves creates the illusion of self. This self creates the suffering.
  • Stop making connections to the continous flor of experience. Experience it one sample at a time. Sense of self is the representation we use to connect these experiences.
  • The connection between you and your emotions should be similar to how you relate with weather.
  • Experience is self liberating. You don't have to do anything. The problem is when you try to do something.
  • You're just entertaining yourself moment after moment that there's this problem. In this moment, where's the problem? It's not there. Yes, you need to do X, Y and Z; and A, B and X might happen. But that's all narratives of the self that we keep making up. There is no problem in this moment.
  • Stay for long enough in the boring experience of meditation and maybe it'll start to get more interesting.
  • Practice unconditional kindness to all things are come up from beneath in your experience.
  • Let go of the drama of what you are.

• The dialogue between two views:

  • The development view can help us decide which changes we can make to improve. The fruitional view helps us be free in the moment without improving.
  • Step 1: How would it be if this were it? If all your problems always stay the way they are? How would you deal with it? This can be reliving, because we're always trying to make things better.
  • Step 2: Because the present moment is absolutely okay, anything we do is for play and fun. There's nothing / well-being at stake here.
  • A lot of procrastination is to serve the unconscious goal of avoiding responsibility.
  • Don't let your feeling make you judge who you are as a person.
  • People who feel strongly emotional about something, interrupting the conversation with "what are you feeling at this moment? and is there a problem?" can help them detach from the story.
  • Say "I'm angry, without any attribution of cause." What would that feel like? Helps detach from story.
  • Practicing being emotionally kind to everything in your expereince can lead to a huge update to the self. You relate to the kindness instead of the anger.

• Experiences of anxiety and struggle:

  • Anxiety doesn't mean it's something wrong with us. We're all anxious, we all experience it. Experience it, don't push it away.
  • Experiencial anxiety: fear of uncertainity / what would happen. anxiety prepares us into a heightened state. anxiety is contagious.
  • We get stuck in habit loop as that's a way for us to stay familiar and avoid the anxiety of trying new things.
  • "if only I solve that problem, i won't feel anxiety": flawed thinking.
  • Struggle is a way to trick your mind into thinking we're solving problems, but in reality we're only making them worse.
  • Freud's view is that anxiety comes from experiences during childhood / life circumstances which need to be solved. Buddist's view is that there is not problem to solve.

• Body awareness:

  • focusing on senstation are very helpful during therapy, but ignored by most pratictioners.
  • if we stay at the sensational level, we might not find the problem we're trying to solve. (as opposed to interpretations)
  • yes, being abondaned makes your heart beat raise, but where is the evidence about my worth as a person? there isn't. yes, you don't like the feeling, but there's no evidence to harm.
  • give yourself freedom to feel like an adondaned person for the rest of your life. so what? i don't like the feelings sure, but is it harmful?
  • The mental drama happens only when we're distracted from feeling our raw sensations.
  • Neurosis (being lost in thought) is easier in the moment than sanity (feeling our raw senstations). Sanity is always counter instinctual, but that's what helps us the most.
  • What's one repititive issue in my life? I find it hard to get out of my comfort zone to do things that will help me in the long run (eg. making youtube videos, doing live coding streams, etc.). Instead of trying to make this feeling go away, let me accept it as a part of my life. I'm always going to be uncomfortable pushing limits, especially in directions that matter most. Is the feeling really that bad? No.
  • Trauma is erratically triggered. Neurosis is more consistent. Sometimes, feeling the raw sensations can trigger trauma so be careful.
  • When you feel intense sensations, lay and feel. Trying to act on it often makes it worse.

• Intimacy and relationships:

  • One often source if conflict is when one person wants space and the other wants more connection. Each time one person ties to make space, the other person covers it up for them.
  • See relationships as a great way to be awake.
  • If you're in a family with engaged parents, you learn to become covertly detached. If you're in a family with unengaged parents, you learn to be overtly attached.
  • You're seperate people. Don't focus too much on connection / over connection with your partner.
  • A standard dynamic that plays out between couples: person needing space "why can't think on their own, why's this person always dependant on me". person needing connection "you're so unavailable, why can't you be emotionally more engaged".
  • we unconscious blame our partner for our feelings. because attributing it to them means that we don't have to do anything. taking more responsibility for our feelings instead of blaming others is the way out.

• More on relationships:

  • 4 stage view of working on relationships. It's just a good framework of thinking, not reality. We move across these stages in life.
  • Pre-personal stage (self absorbed)
    • claim that we're unable to change, or that it's because of our partner.
    • our partner can give us what we want if he choses to, but he doesn't.
  • Personal stage:
    • we can stand alone. we don't attribute our feelings to behaviors of others. take responsibility for how we feel.
    • pretty much everything is workable. be less gaurded (less defensive).
  • Interpersonal:
    • we're interested more in others than our own selves. we don't need anything.
    • be empathic even though you don't understand the other person.
  • Non personal:
    • Fully open awareness without any identiites. See things at one moment at a time. Not worrying about the future or the past.
  • Honeymoon period for couples generally ends around 6 months to 2 years. After this period, the couple become more connected in their lives, and unresolved emotional issues begin to get triggered. People feel disappointed and many end the relation.
  • A: "Nobody will be there for me, so I have to do the work. I have to keep trying to make our connection stronger." B: "Nobody will be there for me, so I better be self sufficient. It's stupid to depnd on others". These are conflicting styles. As long as people are arguing this way, it's people trying to blame each other and not change anything.
  • Emotional intensity doesn't mean intimacy.
  • We're unlikely to change our partner. So the better thing to do would be to take responsibility. And deal with things from there. And still negotiate behavior change.
  • Taking good care of ourselves, irrespective of partners needs can be a good way to live a satisified life.
  • If we treat our partner kindly, it's more likely that they are going to be kind.
  • When you're in the non personal space, even though your partner triggers strong emotions in it, it's just interesting. You don't suffer because of it. You find satisfaction in exploring the sensations more closely.